


Did I stutter, Megan?

by Seaside_Rendezvous



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: M/M, Mazlek, mazzlek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22719724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seaside_Rendezvous/pseuds/Seaside_Rendezvous
Summary: An alternate universe where Rami works with this young, rebellious director who gets him out of the disaster that is his PR relationship with Lucy.
Relationships: Rami Malek/Joe Mazzello
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	Did I stutter, Megan?

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [i want you to know that my feelings are true](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21800473) by [sweetillusion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetillusion/pseuds/sweetillusion). 



> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is purely coincidental. This work is not in violation of copyright law. In conclusion, you can't sue me for doing this. This is fanfiction, chill.  
> Also, this work was heavily inspired by a story written by the absolute legend @sweetillusion. This talks about the same subject but it's much more fantastical and campy, so if you'd like to see a more serious and profound exploration of the subject, check out their story!

Rami felt a strange mix of joy and fear when Frida called him to her office. He liked Frida a lot: she was funny, and charming, although sometimes a little intense, but overall she'd been kind to him and he liked hanging out with her. He especially liked hearing her long rants about very specific movie details or about himself.

There was a specific monologue that was stuck in his head. She told it to him when they were out drinking once with the rest of the core cast after a successful day of shooting. They had settled on a comfortable booth near the back of the restaurant so no one would bother them. Frida had been mostly quiet the entire night until suddenly she took a sip of her scotch (which Rami still thought she was too young to drink) and asked: "You know what your problem is, Rami?" 

"Hmm?" he inquired, curious about the answer. 

"You know what your problem is? It's that you _think_ you're a mortal-"

" _Im_ mortal?" Rami asked with a soft chuckle, "I think I'm immortal?" 

"No, no, not immortal, _a_ mortal. See, you think you're a mortal because you were born amongst the people down below, amongst the unremarkables."

"Okay," Rami replied in a skeptical but curious tone.   
"No, don't fucking _'okay'_ me you piece of shit, Jesus Christ!" Frida said between laughs, "I mean, every time I try to get you to face your own origins you hide behind your skepticism! Okay? Could you not do that, please? Could you be brave for once?"

Rami laughed, "okay, fine, tell me my origins! Why am I not- a mortal, or whatever?" he asked, still skeptical. 

Frida ignored this and went back to her dramatic tone, "you're not a mortal, you _think_ you're a mortal. And you think that because you came from a mortal womb, and you grew up amongst the mortals, _surrounded_ by them… that's all you've ever known. You were taught to talk like them, to behave like them, to assimilate with them in order to survive. But _then_ ," she paused for dramatic effect, "you discovered that you had this gift, this power, this flicker of a flame that made you special. And you followed that flame all the way up to Mount Olympus, and you _climbed_ , and you _fought_ , and you _won_ !" she cried, swinging her glass so hard that droplets of scotch splattered on the table, "and once you arrived there, and all the other gods were watching and they told you 'you're a God! You're a God!'... but you didn't believe them. You couldn't. Because you were born amongst the mortals, you grew up amongst the mortals, and so you're forever stuck with the idea that you are just one more person. You say to yourself: 'I'm not a god, I'm not like them. I wasn't born up here, I was born down there. I am a mortal, I don't belong here,' and you're wrong. And you will _always_ be wrong. Because _you_ are a god and you will always be a god. From stardust you came and to stardust you shall return. No matter how much you deny it, no matter how many times that little voice in your head says 'you're normal, you're normal,' you will always be wrong. Because you will always, unmistakingly, _irrefutably_ , be a god."

A few moments of silence passed so that Frida's monologue hung in the air like a delicious mist. 

Rami broke the spell by saying, "okay, you've had too much to drink," and the table erupted in laughter. 

But deep, deep down (very deep down) Rami wished those words were true. Because he wanted them to be true. He wanted to believe that he was this special being, different from the rest, that had come all the way from the ground to prove himself, to prove his godliness. 

Luckily, he had his manager Megan to haul him back to Earth. "Frida's an alcoholic," she said after he told her about the speech in a desperate attempt to make her smile, "I don't know why you wanted to work with her so bad. I mean yes, she's hot right now, but if she keeps talking like that she's going to get canceled in a week. All that stuff about 'mortals'? People are _not_ going to like that."

That was Megan's favorite phrase. 'People are not going to like that.' That's what she said whenever Rami talked to her about coming out to the public, when he brought up ideas on how to 'break-up' with Lucy, or whenever he wanted to do anything that felt right. Of course, he never got to do any of those things because 'people aren't going to like that.' Rami still didn't know who 'people' referred to exactly, or how Megan could know what they would feel every time. 

All of these things hummed in the back of his mind as he knocked on the door leading to Frida's office. She had it put up on every set she worked at, complete with four walls and a ceiling. 

"Are you Rami?" came her voice from inside. 

"Yeah, it's me," he replied. 

Steps resonated before the door opened, revealing the surprisingly lavishly furnished inside. The walls were a deep red and the floor had its own hand made rug. There were plush velvet sofas that went with the wallpaper located right next to an antique globe, and a mahogany desk at the end set in front of a bookcase overflowing with all kinds of curious titles, ' _The Necronomicon_ ', ' _How to run away from home_ ,' 'T _he Jabberwocky_ ,' etc. 

"Hey, how you doin'?" Frida asked him in that strange accent of hers that always changed depending on her moods. This time it was more Brooklyn-New-York, which usually meant she was content. 

"I'm doing okay," Rami replied, stepping into the office. 

"You want tea?" Frida asked, opening up the antique globe to reveal a vast array of different beverages (most of them alcoholic.) 

"Nah, I'm good," Rami said, taking a seat in one of the comfy red chairs. 

"Godammit, Ramses," she always called him 'Ramses' when she pretended to be mad at him, "I bought this tea specifically for you! You know I don't drink tea! It tastes like piss!"

"It does _not_ taste like piss, it just reminds you of British Imperialism," Rami said. 

"Yeah, that's true," Frida said with a chuckle. Then her smile fell. Rami could feel the change in the air like the sun hiding behind a hill, enveloping the world in a thick blanket of darkness. 

"Look, Rami, I'm going to tell you a story," Frida began, making Rami feel some sense of relief that maybe he'd only imagined the drastic change in tone, "once upon a time, there was this group of Argentinian thieves. The best of the best. One day, they all got together because this guy had the perfect plan to rob a bank. Half of them would go in through the front door and make a big show of holding people hostage, while the other half would sneak in through a tunnel and do the actual stealing. That way the police would be so busy with the robbery at the front, they wouldn't even imagine that the _real_ crime was happening right below their feet. So, come January tenth, they execute the plan, it goes perfect. The guys leave with," Frida chuckled, "well, to this day, no one knows. It could be anywhere from eight to twenty-five million dollars in money and jewels. Anyway, fast forward a month later, and the guys are living it up, spending their money on what they always wanted. One guy buys an arcade game for his kid, the mastermind goes off on a spiritual retreat across the country, another guy buys this big, nice truck for him and his wife, a real beaut. _But_ ," Frida got very close to Rami's face, making him uncomfortable, "the mastermind forgot to factor in human emotion. The guy that bought the truck cheated on his wife. The lady found out, she was pissed, so she went to the cops and ratted him out. And one," Frida knocked off a knick-knack from her desk, "by one by one, they all got caught. Isn't that amazing? The perfect plan, utterly destroyed by _one_ tiny mistake."

Rami took a breath, choosing his next words carefully, "okay, where are you going with this?"

Frida turned unmistakably serious, "I know Megan forced you to enter a PR relationship back in 2018, and that it's still going on. If it gets out that it's fake, then everyone will think you're phony, and because your image is interlinked with my movie, everyone will think _I'm_ phony and that my movie's phony. Of course, that's not the only reason why I care," Frida took a seat next to him, then took both of his hands in hers, "I care about you a lot, Rami. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And I think that this charade has taken away a lot more from you than you let on."

Rami let out a long, exhausted sigh. It was true, all of his accomplishments in the past two years had been tainted by this lie that he had to participate in. He knew it could be worse, he knew people who got married and had kids just for the publicity, but it still hurt in ways he was still trying to understand. 

"So what do you want me to do?" he asked, looking straight into Frida's chocolate brown eyes. She had massive eyes like a deer's, which is probably why it was hard to take her seriously. 

"Fire Megan, publicly break up with Lucy, then come out as bisexual."

Rami doubled over laughing. He then looked over at Frida and was startled to see that her expression didn't change. 

"Oh my God, you're not kidding."

"Of course I'm not kidding, Rami! That bitch has hundreds of emails discussing your 'relationship,'" she said, making air quotes with her fingers, "she even refers to it as 'PR'! If that gets out, we're all fucked, especially you. You've always been a pretty authentic person, imagine how people are going to react when they realize it's all bullshit."

"So, what am I supposed to do? Fire her, then magically find a way to break up with Lucy while also simultaneously coming out without anyone hating me, and then what? 'He lived happily ever after, the end'? Jesus Christ, you're delusional. You're _actually_ delusional."

"Look, I have a new manager lined up for you, her name's Gene, she has a lot of experience helping celebrities come out. I wrote up a statement that you can put out on Instagram explaining the whole situation in a way that will make people sympathize with you-"

"And Lucy? Where does _she_ fit into your master plan? Do you think she's going to like having everyone find out that her boyfriend of two years is gay? She's going to be mortified!"

"Lucy hates your guts! I talked to her, she despises you. She wants this over more than anyone else. Plus, she's been fucking some guy called Brady for the good part of those two years. Look, I talked it over with her, alright? We're gonna add a little thing in the story that says she agreed to beard for you so that you wouldn't get hurt. I know it's not great, trust me, no one hates making white blondes look like heroes more than me, but that's the best deal that we could conjure up."

Rami sighed, "what about my contract? My hands are tied until 2022."

Frida gave him a mischievous grin, "Remember _Django_?"

"Yes, Frida, I remember _Django_ , you made all of us watch it twice," Rami said, his smile returning. 

"Well, I'm thinking we pull off a little King Shultz. Instead of asking for the horse, that's you, we'll offer to buy the farm. A sum of money that is so ridiculous, she'll _have_ to say yes!"

"And where are you getting this money from, exactly?"

"Well, ecstasy is _really_ popping off right now..."

Rami's eyes widened to the size of plates. 

"I'm kidding! My first movie made two hundred million worldwide, dumbass, I have money to spare! Seriously, it's fine. It's not a problem."

At that moment, Rami felt a wave of relief as the idea began to sink in. Maybe Frida was right. Maybe this would finally be over. 

"Look, I'm not going to do anything unless I have your blessing, of course. I'm not a monster. I just want you to know that you're not trapped in this situation, okay? I can get you out, and if this is not the way you want to go about it, we'll find some other way. But I _will_ get you out of this, no matter what."

Rami turned to her, tears clouding his vision, "why are you helping me? Is it because of all that God stuff you said? Do you really believe that?"

Frida sighed, "no, it's because… when I was with my parents, right? When I was living in that house, in that… _hellhole_..."

Rami cringed at the thought. He'd seen the interview with Frida crying after her mother's Facebook post full of lies went viral. He was so grateful he never had to go through what she had to go through. 

"Things were hard, you know? Like _really_ hard, and, as corny as it sounds, watching you made me feel better. Because here was this guy, you know? This completely average person who could do extraordinary things. And it's not just me, you know? There are millions of people who watch you act and read about your story and feel a little less like shit, all because of you. And since you made me feel so much better, why shouldn't you get to be happy? It's the very least I could do, considering all that you've done for me."

Rami smiled and enveloped Frida into a hug. They were there for a while, nestled in each other's embrace, enjoying this moment of pure tenderness. 

Of course, the moment had to end. Frida broke the hug and told him she'd talk to Megan on Monday. Rami left feeling like a completely different person. 

***

"Oh my God, are you serious?" Billy aka Rami's manager said in disbelief, "yes, of course! Where do I sign?"

"Wait, Billy, stop, obviously she's trying to do something else," Megan said, grabbing his arm, "this is a chess move to her."

"Who cares what it is, Megan? It's a fuck ton of money, I'm taking it!" Billy said, signing on the dotted line. 

"I'm with Billy," Anastasia aka Rami's publicist said, "I've been wanting to redo my kitchen for five years, now I can just buy a new house!"

"Agreed!" Mike said, signing on the dotted line as well, "man, my kids are going to be _psyched_!"

"Well, I'm not signing anything," Megan said, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back in her chair. 

"If Megan doesn't sign then no one is getting anything," Frida declared, taking all the contracts and holding them in between her fingers as if she were about to rip them up. 

Megan's fake-sounding laugh resonated through the walls of the office, "what?"

"Did I stutter, Megan?" Frida asked, getting inches away from her face. 

Billy sighed, "Just take it, okay? Who else is going to offer you or any of us this amount of money just to fuck off?"

Megan sighed, then picked up the pen, "fine. But you should know that whatever you're planning, it's not going to work out the way you think. PR is not as simple as it looks. Things can go wrong _very_ quickly-"

"Megan, my new house is being bought by someone else! Can you please give your monologue later?" Anastasia said, already browsing properties on her phone. 

"Fine! But don't come crying to me when Rami becomes a social piranha because you fucked up!"

Frida stood completely silent as Megan scribbled her name on the dotted line.

***

(One year later)

"Hey, hey wake up!" Joe said, shaking Rami. 

"Jesus, what time is it?" he asked, checking his phone. 

"Time for me to marry you, dum-dum!" Joe said, getting on top of Rami and showering him with kisses. 

Rami chuckled. Joe had been in full romance mode for the past two months. 

"Save some for Bali!" Rami reminded him, pushing him off. He then got out of bed and drew the curtains, letting in the powerful summer sun, "Jesus, we have so much to do."

"I'm sure Frida somehow managed to take care of everything," Joe said, hugging him from behind, "You know she genuinely offered to pay for the whole wedding, like _genuinely_? I think she's convinced you're a god."

"Yeah, well, that's probably the least crazy thing Frida believes at this point," Rami said with a chuckle. He then sighed, "you know, I feel bad. When she came to me with the plan I was super skeptical. I should've been more open to it."

"Hey, cut yourself some slack! Her plan _was_ incredibly risky. It's kind of a miracle it worked out so well."

"Yeah… yeah, it really is," Rami said, still somehow in a state of pure disbelief. His life had changed radically over the past year. He never thought everyone would be so supportive, especially his fanbase, but they were the most excited about the breakup. GIF's of Ahkmenrah dancing were all over Tumblr for months. The reaction from Hollywood was a massive surprise, too. Hundreds of publications praised him on his "bravery" and "unspeakable courage" with only a few not so reputable journals making salacious jokes that no one laughed at. The Internet regarded him on the same level as Keanu Reeves, a hero to the people. LGBT campaigns went wild with his success story. Even Lucy's attitude changed after the events. She wrote a very nice email thanking Rami for his decision and announced her engagement to Brady soon after.

Sometimes, before falling asleep he fretted waking up and realizing it was all a dream. Thankfully, that hadn't happened yet. 

"Hey!" Joe said, snapping his fingers in front of him, "Earth to Rami!"

He blinked several times, "sorry, what's going on?"

"I can't wait to marry you," Joe said with a smile as bright as the sun outside.

"Me neither," Rami replied, kissing him.

And he somehow lived happily ever after. The end.


End file.
